I've been shy my all life. I mean, really shy. People always smile when they talk about being shy, like it's just a phase that kids grow out of. But to me it feels like having a mental illness. I'm so scared of what to say and if I say something wrong that I end up not saying anything at all. And if I do say something longer then a few sentences, everyone looks and is all: 'I've never heard you talk this much!' And it just shuts me up straight away and I feel painfully self conscious. And then I worry that people think I'm a freak or a snob or stuck up. It makes me worry to the point of stomach aches and anxiety. It's exhausting. I loose friends because of it. I barely talk to my family. Social events are agonizing. I can't be with people and I can't go off on my own because then I feel guilty for being so anti social. I feel hopeless.
Whenever someone at school talks to me, my stomach clenches up and my palms go clammy. It's ridiculous. I mean, it is REALLY RIDICULOUS. I'm fifteen. Fifteen. It's pathetic. I hate it, but it's not like I hate being alone. I feel lonely sometimes, sometimes it just hits me how alone I am. But in general, I'm okay. I'm okay with spending lunchtimes in the library and hiding from parties - but no one else is. People come up to me to start pity conversations, my parents tell me to talk to more people, my teachers say I need more self confidence on my report cards and that I need to speak up in class. I can't have a conversation with my dad anymore because he interrupts me about 5 words in to lecture me on speaking loudly and clearly. And he lectures LOUDLY and CLEARLY so everyone can hear and it's just awful. I wish people would just drop it. I'm shy. That's all there is to it.
I'm really not making sense, am I? I've felt that my shyness is causing me to miss out on life and friendships. And I have had many people assume that I am snobby because I'm shy, which hurts my feelings. I have a few friends but it's not like I eat lunch with them, it's more just class friends. And I mean, I loosen up with them. I'm okay when someone approaches me and I get to know them. I tend to surprise people when they get to know me - they never expect me to be sarcastic or 'crazy'. I think they like that side of me a lot better which makes me feel bad again. If I wasn't shy, how many more friends would I have? Friends who knew that side of me?
I have a hard time asking for what I want, speaking to strangers, expressing my opinion in class, and calling anyone on the telephone. I know that sounds sort of lame, but shyness is taking away my life. I can't do anything. I can't cope.
Geez. I'm just sick and tired of being shy. It's exhausting.
I don't really know how to give you advice, here. I know you're not asking for advice, you're just blogging, but I feel like I want to help you out. Maybe you could Google some tips on overcoming shyness, I found a site http://naturalanxietysolutions.com/articles/social_anxiety_disorder/learn_how_to_stop_being_shy_with_simple_tips.html
ReplyDeletebut maybe you can find something better.
I can relate to some of what you said - when I was in 6th form [maybe college to you, basically when I was 17/18] I used to worry that I came across as stuck-up or unfriendly due to shyness. Plus, I didn't smile often - but that was because of my braces! Haa. Also, I'm rubbish when it comes to meeting new people because I feel like I never have anything interesting to say.
Forget about me for a moment. I used to have a friend in Year 9 who was cripplingly shy. She would barely make conversation and when she did, she sounded nervous. She'd go red when talking to strangers. After Year 11, when she went to a different college, she totally came out of her shell. I'm still friends with her now, and I can have a decent conversation with her. She's funny and interesting and can make friends now. I'm telling you this 'cause maybe it'll give you some hope? When you're at school, it's like everyone already knows you - i.e. everyone already knows you're shy, so whenever you do start talking quite a bit, people are so surprised and make a big deal out of it which you said makes you feel self-conscious (which is totally understandable, why do they have to go on about it??). It'll probably get easier for you after you finish Year 11.
In the meantime, maybe you can hang out with your class friends more at lunch times and stuff. Whoops, this has turned into me giving crappy advice again ¬_¬ I'll stop before I start to sound like some third-rate agony aunt. Ahh I'm soo sorry for the overly long comment! Sorry if I've annoyed you, especially because what I've said might sound like what you mentioned at the beginning of your post, that shyness is "just a phase that kids grow out of" - I don't consider your shyness issue to be minor because it's something that obviously affects you a lot. But when it gets you down, just think it probably won't be something that affects you forever - you'll probably be like my friend who very slowly but definitely surely managed to overcome her shyness.
Once again, sorry for the essay ¬_¬
(Purple Marshmallow)
~*N - Thank you so much for the kind advice and comment. First of all, it was not at all crappy, it was great. I've always hoped that once I finished school I'd come out of my shell, so hopefully I'll be like your friend. And second of all, no comment is too long! I LIVE FOR COMMENTS.
ReplyDeleteNot really because that would be a tad creepy. But I do love reading them.
Thanks again!
I already know this comment isn't going to make a lot of sense,my apologies. That's just because I'd like to tell you so much, but I don't want to make this comment too long and maybe a tad because English isn't my native language,so my English might sound weird.
ReplyDeleteBut I think your blog is amazing and you're a great writer, but people must've told you that a thousand times before.
I also have to thank you a million times for making me discover Iron and Wine, I love them now!
I'm really sorry if I wasn't making sense here ;D
Love, Aagje
zahrasaysihavetomakethis - Thankyou so much for the lovely comment. =] Your English was fine, I understood it - and I'm glad I got you onto Iron and Wine! They're great! =D
ReplyDeleteI'm not shy anymore, but I am quiet, so I can relate to the whole thing about people staring if you happen to say more than a sentence. In Chemistry a month or so ago, I was talking to one of the girls behind me, and a girl up front was shocked that I could actually talk. >.>
ReplyDeleteIt's all about location. I wasn't comfortable in middle school (11-13, because I'm not sure where you are!) with myself or anybody else, but now I'm going into my last year of high school and I've really come out of my shell and made some great friends. Have you been going to school with the same people your whole life? That had a lot to do with it for me, and when I went into high school, I could speak up and not worry so much because nobody really knew me.
I'm sorry, I know this wasn't asking for advice, but good luck! You'll find your comfort zone soon. And you said you were 15, right? That's a really awkward age for a lot of people, and it gets easier within the next year or so. (Wow, I read your comments on SBS all the time, I can't believe you're that young. You give amazing advice there!)
akai-ookami - Thanks for advice. =] I honestly am starting to believe that it is just high school. I think I will start coming out of my shell once I leave school. Thanks for the SBS comment. =] I try to help out.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and commenting, it means heaps to me. ♥
"I hate it, but it's not like I hate being alone. I feel lonely sometimes, sometimes it just hits me how alone I am. But in general, I'm okay."
ReplyDeleteIt's like you took the words right out of my mouth! I can totally agree with that.
I don't know if you could say I'm shy, but I have this nasty habit of fiddling with my fingers when I'm talking to someone, and the conversation dies out and I don't know what to say. Really, it just looks like I'm, dunno, not capable of controlling my own body. I bet I scared off a lot of people because of that, since I do it no matter who I'm talking to, either it be my own brother or a stranger.
Also, I shake when uncomfortable, embarrassed or under stress. I've been doing it these last couple of months, and it's so embarrassing. I don't mean small shakes from time to time, I mean, actual, have-to-put-my-hand-down shakes. I try to cover it up, but sometimes I can't, and I end up hanging my head low in fear the other person noticed.
Okay, so, I don't know if this made a lot of sense, haha, but I just wanted to tell you I can totally agree with you, and that I get you! I may not be shy, but I have those two annoying habits so I'm on my way to being shy, for sure. I can't wait... /sarcasm.
Anyways, I've been reading your blog for a while, and I think you're an awesome person and thank you for helping around the SBS community and for writing this blog since it is highly entertaining and awesome! :)
Sincerely,
Nissa
Nissa - I can relate. I always have to be doing something with my fingers, no matter who I'm talking to. I bite my nails, wring my hands, pick the skin around my thumb, tear bits of paper, it's ridiculous but I can't stop.
ReplyDeleteAnyway. Thankyou for the lovely comment and reading my blog.=)
"oh, holy macaroons, if there are any holy macaroons out there please don't let him be in the ceiling watching me." and "don't retell the story to yourself, picture daffodils, picture Bambi, picture daffodils, picture Bambi. And what do I do? I picture the guy. I retell the story. Daffodils what? Bambi who? What is wrong WITH ME?"
ReplyDeleteBoth made me Laugh out loud. Heh. You are such an awesicomchoke. And and case you are wondering.... that is a very awesomely awesome artichoke.
I know exactly how you feel, I used to be like you. Very similar actually, but now I'm coming out of my shell and it feels great. I'm not trying to rub it in your face, all I'm saying is that even the shyest of people can find a way through and be themselves. You just have to find a strategy that works for you, and take small steps to being the person that you want to be.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
All this while I thought Im the one with the problem with my shyness. Glad to know there's someone out there who shares the same experience as me.
ReplyDeleteMost of the time my shyness is misinterpreted as being a snob(i am said to have a fierce face).