Movies

Oh my God, it's me keeping a promise and writing a post!

It's okay, I'm shocked too.

So, today I want to tell you some things that bug me about movies. Don't get me wrong - I love movies. No, really, I love them. I like the good ones, the bad ones, the funny ones, the romantic ones, the lame ones (oh, I love the lame ones), the animated, the clever, the scary. I love movies. But there are three things (off the top of my head) that really bug me in movies:

.1. The breakfast. You know, there's always amazing breakfasts in movies. Like, the mother makes french toast and bacon or the father makes his 'famous blueberry pancakes'. There's always a huge spread of food and the kids never eat it! They sit down for like, two minutes and discuss relevant plot lines and then they go: oh, we'll miss the bus, see ya. Hell, if I had that kind of breakfast I'd skip school just to eat it.

.2. The mean girls always have the stupidest insults. They never have real insults - how are they even popular? I am the shyest, most anxious person you will ever meet but if I went to one of those schools I would outthink the popular girls in two seconds flat. It's so frustrating - give them proper insults, at least make it realistic!

.3. The makeovers. I'm probably the biggest fan of makeover montages that you will ever meet. I love them. I lovelove them. But seriously, they take off the girl's glasses and she's hot? No. As a glasses wearer, I resent that. You think I was good looking before I got glasses? Think again.

Ah, this is a stupid post. I don't even know if I'll post it.

I will. Because I'm not going to come up with something better, sorry. Okay, sorry about this post guys! So what are some things in movies that bug me? Let me know and have an awesome day!

Conversations #1

 It's totally normal for a sixteen year old girl to lie on her bedroom floor and listen to The Smiths while drawing David Byrne on her knee, right guys? Right? Please, some one, say right....

So I keep feeling bad for not writing on here. Because it's not even like I'm doing anything important or productive that's keeping me from writing. I'm just watching Daria and Aladdin.

 God, I wish I was Daria.

Well, I got a job at K-Mart. It's okay, I guess but my hands keep shaking every time I have to pull a coat hanger off because I always feel like the customer is in a rush and I'm so slow.

Guys, I'm basically a real life Eeyore.

Can someone just say right?

Sorry. This is basically me just writing whatever comes into my head. OH MY GOD THIS POST IS SO BORING I'M SORRY.

Think, think. What can I write about that's interesting? Okay, how about this: I'm going to go away and think of something interesting to write about and then I'm going to come on here and write about it, okay? Okay. Good.

In the meantime, here are some overheard conversations:
In the morning before homeroom, two girls behind me.
Girl One: No, seriously, I'm actually really worried about this.
Girl Two: Who the hell cares, it's just history. You just say some stuff about Oscar Wilde and call it perspective.
Me: (turning around) Oscar Wilde was a writer.
Girl Two: No, he wasn't. Trust me.
Me: I'm 100% positive.
Girl Two: He wasn't a writer, hand to God. He was a historian or something.
Me: (half laughing) Guys, seriously, he was an Irish play writer and poet. And he has nothing to do with India-Britain.
Girl One (panicked): Oh my God, I don't know any of these people, what the f*ck am I going to do?
Me: Study?
Girl Two: (to me) God, I love your hair. What conditioner do you use?
Me: ....umm...it comes in a green bottle?
Girl Two: Herbal Essence?
Me: Sure.
Girl One: F*ck, Mavis, help me study!
Girl Two: Talk about Gandhi.
Then I got bored so I continued to read my book.


Some guy on the bus (in a singsong voice): It's gonna be off theeee hoo-oook.
Girl (laughing): I'm so sure.
Some guy: Are you coming?
Girl: I don't think so, my parents are going to some function and they want me to come.
Some guy: That sucks, cause it's gonna be (switches to singsong voice) off theeee hoo-ook.
Girl: So I heard.
Some guy: Can you get out of the function? I could pick you up if you need a ride.
Girl: Thanks but it's pretty important to my parents. They'd guilt trip me so badly if I didn't go.

Two girls in the library.
Girl One: And it's so annoying. The earth isn't going to last forever and people don't take that seriously. They think it's just going to last forever and it won't and they just assume other people are recycling and using green bags so they think they don't have to. It's just so ridiculous!
Girl Two: I know.
Girl One: Seriously! And yesterday I told my mum we should stop using paper towels and just clean the counter with a sponge? And she just goes, hmm, like, I knew she wasn't even considering it. God, how hard is it to use a sponge? How hard is it? Seriously.
Girl Two: Yeah. But what gets me is how much meat is in my family's fridge. I swear, there's like, so much steak and chicken and sausages, it just makes me sick. Animals are living things.
Girl One:  Don't even talk to me about meat. My brother was eating a hamburger yesterday, I had to leave the room, the smell was so immoral.
Girl One and Two together in whispered voices: Meat. Is. Murder.
The last part was actually really creepy, when they said meat is murder. I felt like I was listening in on a creepy cult of some sort.

And that's that! Sorry about this lame-o post. I promise I'll put up something interesting very soon!

Things TV has taught me

Television has taught me many things. You very well may believe that TV is just a box that melts your brain and leaves you with greasy hair and no social skills but you're wrong. I'm sorry, but you are. As you will see from the following list, TV is actually very valuable in teaching me extremely important things. Please see the following.

.1. Diseases.
Grey's Anatomy, one of my favourite shows, has taught me about a lot of diseases. Admittedly, it has convinced me at various times that I have lupus or schizophrenia or cancer. But that's okay. The point is I know more about diseases and can now cross certain diseases off the list of 'Diseases I possibly have'.

.2. I can't sing.
Every time I finish an episode of Glee, I feel inspired to belt out a song and dance around joyously. It usually only takes me a few verses to remind myself that I actually sound like a drowning cat with tonsillitis when I sing but it's a good lesson for me. That I can't sing and therefore will avoid all school musicals and karaoke nights in order to keep whatever is left of my dignity.

.3. Don't take drugs or alcohol or steal a car or be mean to the weird boy at school.
Thank you Degrassi. Thanks to you I will not:
-Jump off a bridge and end up in the hospital for the rest of my life.
-Make a fool of myself at a school dance and throw up.
-Pay hundreds of dollars to repair a car.
-Be  a victim of a school shooting.
True, you have made me cry in the past. Sob, actually. Weep, really. But let's be honest, most things make me cry. So I think I can forgive you for that in exchange for my health and good sense. So thank you Degrassi.

.4. Pop culture references and how to egg cars.
Gilmore Girls - so many pop culture references I can make thanks to this show. It has taught me good TV references, given me good music taste, taught me to talk faster and how to egg a car. Seriously. Also it has many, many cute boys, so, bonus.

.5. Benefits of reality TV.
Survivor, while some call it 'trashy' is actually quite informative. You may meet your future husband on an island. Eating bugs is sometimes necassary while trying to survive. Grab a chicken by the feet if you want to cook it and eat it. Don't backstab people or you'll be viciously attacked at Tribal Council.

.6. How to survive in deathly situations.
I Shouldn't Be Alive is this great show about people who get stuck in these crazy situations like getting lost in the amazon or getting stranded in the desert or on a island surrounded by shark invested waters and survive. And the best part is, they're all true stories! Seriously, this show rocks and I now know how to survive if I'm ever stranded in an active volcanoe.

.7. How to solve crimes.
Monk is this detective show about a private detective with OCD. I'm pretty sure I could basically be a detective, thanks to Monk. I swear, this show is actually what made me pass my year nine science exam. One section was on forensics and I didn't even study it - I already knew it all thanks to Monk. Seriously. Best show ever.

And that's just the start! So, as you can see, TV is helpful in teaching me...stuff.

Reasons I hate Christmas. (P.S If you really love Christmas you should probably not read this post. Unless your Christmas spirt is so strong that nothing can bring you down.)

Hello! How have you all been? You've probably forgotten all about this blog considering the amount of time it's been since I last wrote. And there's no good excuse for that because I'm had plenty of time, really. For example, all I did today was watch TV online, eat dry Froot Loops, listen to sad songs and feel sorry for myself for no actual reason. 

You know, I don't even have anything to blog about. I was just listening to Macy Gray's 'Don't Forget Me' and it was like my body just snapped awake and was like, 'okay, enough fun. Time to do something productive.' So here I am. Trying to do something productive. Okay. So here we go. I'll just write about interesting things.

There's nothing interesting to write about though.

School is over. So I have roughly six beautiful weeks of pure laziness and Tumblr surfing. And Christmas. Except I kind of hate Christmas. Hey, I'm going to write about why I hate Christmas! This year I spent a lot of time ranting to the girl who sat next to me about the stuff I hate and she loved it. She found it funny. Plus this is my blog so I get to write about whatever I want. So there.

Anyway. Reasons I hate Christmas. Here we go!

.1. Christmas trees.

Christmas trees used to be fun. My family always buys a real one. And I mean, that's fine. I even find the fake ones kind of tacky, plus, real ones smell good. And since I like naming things, I always secretly name our tree which is easier when it's real. (This year I named it Hazel. It definitely looks like a Hazel to me.) But now it just kind of sucks. We got a tree and wrestled it into the house, leaving a sticky trail of loose pine needles and stood it upright in the corner. We then spent about 15 minutes trying to get it straight, locked it into place and realized it was crooked. Very crooked. So we shoved some books under two of the corners of the tree stand and moved on.

Decorating. This was also kind of sucky. We realized too late the number of gaping holes in Hazel but did our best to cover them up with tinsel and lights. (What's the deal with tinsel, anyway? It's kind of ugly.) Some of the lights were broken so it's a little sparse but okay. The star is tipping sideways, the tinsel was forgotten and left off the tree and the decorations (most of them cardboard ones my siblings and I made as children) are constantly slipping off. We even tried to listen to Bing Crosby to bring up the Christmas mood! But we realized it was no use. None of us were really into this project. God. I mean, when Bing Crosby doesn't work, you know it's over.

So despite the real tree and the scent of pine and the traditional decorations, none of it really helped mask the truth. That our Christmas spirit kind of died a few years back and  that Hazel was really just a tree with holes that we'd mutilated, half heartedly decorated and would later kick to the curb when her pine needles turned brown and crunchy. It was just depressing.

 .2. Christmas parties.

Ohh, the agony. The work parties for the adults. The school parties thrown by people you don't care about from school for the kids. The family parties where your Uncle Bryan tells those lame knock knock jokes and then gets drunk and crashes on the couch. The neighbourhood parties. I mean, I just want to go home everyday and watch Confessions of a Shopaholic and Casablanca in peace and be anti social and Scrooge-like. Not stroll down the street to the neighbourhood party and chat awkwardly with people you barely know, where everyone is secretly wondering who the hell arranged this thing.

.3. The shops. 

The evilness of Christmas in a nutshell. The stores cram Christmas down your throat on September 1st. They string up the tinsel, set up the artificial trees, jam new products on shelves, set up carts of cards. 'Hey look! Christmas is coming up! Come buy our crap for people you hate and get in the spirit of XMAS! Get in the spirit! Get the spirit! GET IN THE SPIRIT!' Pardon me, but I prefer to get into the spirit of Christmas sometime in December. Also, I would like to go into a regular store and buy some bug spray without having a slightly maniacal shop assistant rush up and ask me whether I've bought Christmas gifts for my loved ones yet.

.4. Christmas movies.

Don't they suck? There are the classics, which are okay, like 'It's A Wonderful Life' and 'Miracle on 34th Street'. But then. Oh boy. Then come the remakes, the new ones, the animated ones. It's a cheap and tacky excuse to make lame movies that completely miss the point of Christmas. And the remakes always ruin the original.

 

.5. Political correctness.

Be careful how you decorate your yard this year, guys. I'd take down that Santa if I was you. That nativity scene is a big no-no. Oh, and those carols have to go. I mean, hey. You don't want to offend anyone.

It's ridiculous! You put up any decorations that symbolize YOU! Not a religion or cause you can't even spell. It's a free country and I'll put Santa's sleigh on my roof if I want to and you can't stop me! Not that I would ever do that. 

Anyway. I just think it's all stupid. It's like people go out looking for something to be offended by. My friend was told by her boss the other day to stop saying 'Merry Christmas' to customers since they might get offended. OFFENDED. It was a friendly saying! It doesn't mean, hey, here's my religion and my beliefs, I demand you follow them as well! It means 'Happy Holidays'. It shouldn't be an issue but it is. Everything is an issue today and you know what, it's just taking over Christmas. And those people who celebrate Christmas but get offended by the sight of a nativity scene? What are you celebrating? You know Christmas is about Jesus' birth, right? If you don't, what are celebrating? Ugh. I hate it all. We do so much to make everyone feel comfortable that we forget our own comfort. 

.6. Christmas shopping.

The madness begins the second the stores snap into Christmas-mode. It begins in September and doesn't end until December 25th. Or often early January. And it's crazy! Parents rush around ramming strollers over your feet, fights erupt over which mother gets the very last new Fairy-Princess Barbie doll, the stores are brimming with eager, desperate or smug shoppers. Oh and there's the whole gift thing. It's all about money. How much do you love me? 'Oh, you made me a photo album scrapbook thing  with all our precious memories in it? But...it didn't cost anything. Oh, I get it! You don't love me at all!'

Ahem. I'm sorry. I know I sound like a Scrooge. And I know I should just put all that behind me and be like 'Christmas is about spending time with your family and spreading the love'. And I'm all about that. (As long as nobody hugs me.) I really am. I could be into Christmas if it was, I don't know, genuine and true again. But the problem is that it's not that simple anyway. You can't avoid the stores or the carols or the newspaper articles arguing what's right and wrong when it comes to decorations. 

Anyway. Have a lovely holiday if you're celebrating one (check out how politically correct that was!) and hope you enjoyed this post despite the lateness and the hate. 

Promise to update soon,

Tess. x

Conversations

You know what I really like? Eavesdropping on strangers. I find it really interesting. A couple of weeks ago my sisters and I went to the movies. We were going down the escalators and there were three girls of about 12 years old going up the escalators.

Girl One: Hurry up, let's go! -starts running, Girl Two follows-
Girl Three: Wait! I have to finish telling you my story about the murder/birdbath/burger!

See, my eldest sister thought the third girl said birdbath. My other sister said she said murder. I insist she said burger. Isn't it weird how people hear different things? Here are some other conversations.

Friday afternoon, on the bus home. Two girls behind me.

Girl One: His handwriting is really small and cramped and thin. I think that means he is ruled by his head and not his heart, he keeps to himself and he has low self esteem but is like, really smart.
Girl Two: I don't get it. He's like, the most energetic person I know, he doesn't keep to himself.
Girl One: Wait, maybe vertical writing means lack of flexibility. I keep forgetting.
Girl Two: Fine, do my handwriting. -silence- (I think she was writing something down)
Girl One: Okay, you're open and friendly, easy going and artistic.
Girl Two: Yeah, that's good, see.
Girl One: How is Jamie supposed to ask me out if he has low self esteem? I'm not going to ask him out, that's such a gutsy move.
Girl Two: Lizzie asked Nick out.
Girl One: Lizzie B?
Girl Two: Yeah. She asked him out.
Girl One: Okay, but Lizzie is a total headcase. She's like, crazy bold.
Girl Two: Yeah, well now they're dating.
Girl One: She said she's going to break up with him if he doesn't grow taller.
Girl Two: Serious?
Girl One: Yeah, she said if he doesn't get taller she'll have to end it.
Girl Two: That is so shallow. I would never date a guy if I was just going to break up with him over something as meaningless as that.
Girl One: What about Jared?
Girl Two: That was different.

Friday afternoon, while getting onto the bus. A girl ran up behind me, catching up with her friend.

Running Girl (very excitedly): I made it! I thought I'd missed the bus!
Friend: Really? 
Running Girl: I made it! I am such a legend! Oh man, I'm such a legend, I almost missed the bus! (She was not a legend. It was a very long line and the bus had only just arrived. It was clear that it wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.)
Friend: -laughs- Good job.
Running Girl: Legend. I am such a legend. I almost missed the bus.

Wednesday, lunchtime, in the library. Two girls fighting over something - a school project, I think.

Girl One: I did everything! You haven't done anything!
Girl Two: Why do we have to type it up?
Girl One: All we have to do is add some borders, God. Mar- Come back! We have to finish this!
Girl Two walks over and joins three other girls. Girl One sighs pointedly and keeps working. Then she stands up, marches over to the other girls, snatches a piece of paper out of Girl Two's hands and walks back to the computer.
Other Girls: "Whoa," "Calm down," "Mad, much?"

In all fairness, I thought one of them should've talked to her or helped her or something. Anyway. Wasn't that interesting? I think other people's conversations are interesting. Is that wrong, do you think? Should I stop listening in on conversations? Let me know what you think.

Solitaire

Hey guys. So, I haven't updated in forever, I'm sorry! I know, I suck. My life has been awfully boring lately. Well here's something: the makers of solitaire suck. Here's what I think: you win, say, four games in a row so they deliberately give you a super hard one. And then, when you lose four games in a row? They throw you an insultingly easy one, like 'oh, hey, dumbo, maybe you better start off with an easy one, eh?' I think they're trying to annoy me on purpose.

For those of you who don't know, solitaire is a card game. You would think I could beat a card game, right? Because I'm so smart and clever and quick thinking and brilliant and modest? Wrong. Well, I am smart and clever and quick thinking and brilliant and modest but I also can't beat a card game. It is very frustrating. I've been playing solitaire for almost an hour now and I still haven't won a game. I almost always win solitaire. I think they've decided to punish me for being so great at the game. (Not so great now, obviously.)

Well. They won't get to me. I am fighting back. Now, when I lose a game, I'm going to click Reset Game and I will play that game until I win it. And so help me, if it takes all night then it takes all night. And I shall play until the game is defeated. Because I'm hardcore. And the makers of solitaire wish they were as hardcore as me.

SOLITAIRE FIGHTERS UNITE.

My God, I am lame. Disregard this post and I'll update soon.

Bruno Mars

So I guess if you like Bruno Mars or something you probably shouldn't read this. Let me just clear something up: I don't hate Bruno Mars. I don't hate anybody because it makes me feel bad (with the exception of Hitler*). But I strongly dislike him, or more his music I suppose. The reason I'm writing this post is because I just had a huge debate over Bruno Mars VS. The Beatles with a friend of mine. She loves BM and I love the Beatles. I mean, I love them. Basically she was all: "he's lyrics are so super duper sweet and meaningful...but I hate the Beatles. They have too much rhythm." Too much rhythm? WTF does that even mean? My argument was that it was fine if people liked Bruno Mars but my problem was that she hadn't even heard a Beatles song all the way through but she hates them with a passion. And that the Beatles have some really meaningful songs (eg. Let it be, Hey Jude, etc) so if it's meaning she's after, they have plenty. Anyway, it just got me thinking about Bruno Mars, so here it is.

I mean, okay, take 'Just The Way You Are'. Okay. Fine. Cute song, I get it. I heard it and I was like, sure, it's nice. Nothing special, but nice. I reported this back to my friend (the BM lover) and she demanded I watched the video because then I would 'fall in love' with it. So I watched the thing and I hated it. I hated it! What is with that video? It completely defeats the purpose of the song! I thought it was a sweet song because I got the message that she was just an average girl with some self esteem issues or whatever and he loved her anyway because that's what love is all about. But the girl in the video is freaking gorgeous. Well, of course you think she's beautiful, she's a damn supermodel. Why can't music videos and magazines just have ordinary girls in them? Or ordinary guys for that matter. So now every time I hear that song I just don't care because I don't really think it means anything.

And then Grenade, which I won't go on about for too long because everyone hates that song, it seems. But:
.1. Where the HELL are you, Bruno, that there are grenades flying around? And why is someone throwing grenades at the girl? Because if that's the case I'm going to say she had it coming.
.2. It sounds like they either broke up or were never together. If that's the case, he needs to move on. And why is he dragging a piano up the hill? That won't work Bruno! I don't think she broke up with you because you didn't pull a piano around.
.3. Really? I don't know but killing himself seems a bit excessive to me. She seems kind of bitchy to be honest. Maybe he should just eat some ice cream, cry a bit and then get a job and move on. This song makes absolutely no sense to me. At all.

And finally, the Lazy Song. WOW. I just listened to it. My friend was telling me about it (a different friend) and I was like, oh, that actually sounds like a cute song. Maybe I'll listen to it. So I did. Wow. It is disgusting. Have you guys listened to the lyrics? They're gross. The start was all chill and I was like, this is cool, I actually kind of like this. And then it went on. Ew. That doesn't sound so cute anymore, it sounds like a loser who only cares about sex. Seriously, go back and actually listen to the lyrics. They're playing this on the radio. Young teen girls are listening to this and singing it aloud. DO PEOPLE NOT LISTEN TO THE ACTUAL WORDS ANYMORE.

Flaxing hell. Sorry, maybe this post is a bit mean? I don't know. But Bruno Mars bugs me. And I mean, hey, cool if you like Bruno Mars. Yeah, he's talented. He has a nice voice. But I think his lyrics are stupid. Oh, and his smile bugs me too. It's kind of smug and arrogant, no? Anyway. This is just my opinion and I hope it didn't offend anyone.

On a separate note, I am really starting to hate those personal YouTube comments that are all over the place. I would like to listen to Forever Young/Hey Jude/whatever without scrolling down to hear about how this song reminds you of your dead grandmother/friend/dog. I'm sorry, I am, but I find it annoying. Way to make things awkward and sad. Literally, I just watched a video and EVERY SINGLE comment was something like: "R.I.P to my  little brother of 4 :'( I love you with all my heart. I love you James :'" Yes, that is sad. But it's annoying and to be honest, I think its tacky to post messages like this on the Internet. Disrespectful, even.

Anyway. Sorry, this post is quite mean, isn't it? I hate being mean, it makes me feel so guilty. Sorry. Well, I'm back to school in three days. Where did the holidays go?

 *I wrote a poem about Hitler for a school project. Do you want to hear it?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Adolf Hitler,
I hate you.
Personally, I really think it has something but I don't know if my teacher would accept it so I wrote a different one. Let me know what you guys think about the original. You know, I used to just feel sorry for Hitler. But this semester we learned about the Holocaust and watched Chindler's List and it was just horrible. Truly, after every lesson I just felt nauseous. What a terrible time in history.